- Took a sexy Caribbean vacation – My skin still resembles the surface of the moon in both color and temperature, but that’s normal.
- Frolicked provocatively in the ocean – And didn’t even get a yeast infection!
- Experimented with shiny new foods – Shark, frog’s legs, sweetbreads, chocolate wine, rabbit saddle, Laughing Cow cheese (that cow is laughing all the way to the bank, my friends), and lots of food trucks.
- Camped in and around the Great Outdoors – This isn’t really as exciting as the goyim make it sound?
- Mingled with the one percent at the Minnesota Twins Champions Club – The baseball part was pretty boring.
- Rode a bike in a skirt – Whee whee whee, all the way home from Harriet Brewing (it was fucking far and totally a big deal).
- Shopped, whimsically –
Wish I’d Done These!
- Bought a puppy – Almost, but then our landlord told us he hates fun and laughter and joy. Also, pee on the hardwoods.
- Fixed the record player – The important thing is to keep buying records as if it’s been fixed.
- Come to visit you where you live – You’re getting a weekend soon, cross my heart.
May or May Not Have Done These?
- Bought a house – Do we own a piece of Middle Earth? Only snotty brat Fannie Mae knows for sure.
- Watered the plants – They’ll evolve into cacti if they know what’s good for ’em.
- Promised to come visit you where you live – Sometimes grown-ups lie.
- Started doing yoga – It makes my parts bendier and feels nice! The Gentleman Caller needs to be out of the house when that shit goes down though, it’s embarrassing.
- Weight Watchers – Fabulous diet! Things are happening inside me! My hands fit inside the pockets of my jeans! It’s magical.
- New job – People are way nicer when they have no idea what you do.
- CPAP machines – One for every man, woman and child. They are the future.
- Stopped doing yoga – The instructions are confusing! “Feel your heart center melt upward.” What? No.
- Atkins – Terrible diet. So much lettuce, still so fat. Very troubling.
- Car – Not technically a loss yet, but just so gosh darned ugly.
- Bathroom ceiling – Still haunted by the fateful spring day dirty toilet water ate through the upstairs neighbors’ floor, leaving a hole in our ceiling, a puddle on our toilet seat, and terror in our hearts.
- Agreed to watch Lost if the Gentleman Caller would watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer – Have completed neither, because barf. Love is never having to say you enjoy Lost.
- The Families still haven’t met each other – The Gentleman Caller and I have decided this is probably a good thing, as we all know how that will go down:
Let’s do this, 2013.