2012: A Haphazard Retrospective

Did These!

  • Took a sexy Caribbean vacation – My skin still resembles the surface of the moon in both color and temperature, but that’s normal.
  • Frolicked provocatively in the ocean – And didn’t even get a yeast infection!
  • Experimented with shiny new foods – Shark, frog’s legs, sweetbreads, chocolate wine, rabbit saddle, Laughing Cow cheese (that cow is laughing all the way to the bank, my friends), and lots of food trucks.
  • Camped in and around the Great Outdoors – This isn’t really as exciting as the goyim make it sound?
  • Mingled with the one percent at the Minnesota Twins Champions Club – The baseball part was pretty boring.
  • Rode a bike in a skirt – Whee whee whee, all the way home from Harriet Brewing (it was fucking far and totally a big deal).
  • Shopped, whimsically –


Wish I’d Done These!

  • Bought a puppy – Almost, but then our landlord told us he hates fun and laughter and joy. Also, pee on the hardwoods.
  • Fixed the record player – The important thing is to keep buying records as if it’s been fixed.
  • Come to visit you where you live – You’re getting a weekend soon, cross my heart.

May or May Not Have Done These?

  • Bought a house – Do we own a piece of Middle Earth? Only snotty brat Fannie Mae knows for sure.
  • Watered the plants – They’ll evolve into cacti if they know what’s good for ’em.
  • Promised to come visit you where you live – Sometimes grown-ups lie.

Misc. Wins

  • Started doing yoga – It makes my parts bendier and feels nice! The Gentleman Caller needs to be out of the house when that shit goes down though, it’s embarrassing.
  • Weight Watchers – Fabulous diet! Things are happening inside me! My hands fit inside the pockets of my jeans! It’s magical.
  • New job – People are way nicer when they have no idea what you do.
  • CPAP machines – One for every man, woman and child. They are the future.

Misc. Losses

  • Stopped doing yoga – The instructions are confusing! “Feel your heart center melt upward.” What? No.
  • Atkins – Terrible diet. So much lettuce, still so fat. Very troubling.
  • Car – Not technically a loss yet, but just so gosh darned ugly.
  • Bathroom ceiling – Still haunted by the fateful spring day dirty toilet water ate through the upstairs neighbors’ floor, leaving a hole in our ceiling, a puddle on our toilet seat, and terror in our hearts.

Misc. Draws

  • Agreed to watch Lost if the Gentleman Caller would watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer – Have completed neither, because barf. Love is never having to say you enjoy Lost.
  • The Families still haven’t met each other – The Gentleman Caller and I have decided this is probably a good thing, as we all know how that will go down:

Let’s do this, 2013.

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