The Housening

Please excuse the long silence, friends. I was on blogstrike until the day I could post and finally be done with some conclusive house news. That day is this day!

Many long months ago, in autumn of the Year of Their Lord: 2012, I wrote a little ditty about a little house on a little street that was just waiting around for someone to take it somewhere warm and nice and cuddle it forever. You remember, no?

Well, forget that house. That house was garbage.

What happened? After we waited around for one million days, the stupid bank tried to stupidly demand all manner of stupid nonsense from us, so we told them to blow it out their stupid bank hole. And thus we began the search all over again, and the Gentleman Caller drowned the world in his beardy tears, and it was just the goddamned dumps.

After many fascinating exploits (no), our broken hearts dared to love again. We found a house that was more best, in the category of All. We viewed it eight hours after it came on the market Wednesday morning. By the time we threw our hat in the ring at noon on Friday, we were up against four other buyers. Come at me, bro.

Suddenly, BOOM, we win at houses! Nes Gadol Haya Sham.

We are officially Future Homeowners of the Republic. The seller’s only request is that her monster of a moldy swing set goes with her. Knock yourself out, lady. This is called “negotiating”!

Now it’s down to sorting out the details. Closing is March 22nd and we will have a week to move at a relaxing, leisurely pace before our apartment lease is up. LOLOL we’ll wait until the last second to pretend to pack and then spend twelve hours zigzagging the city wanting to punch each other in the face, because that’s what grown-ups do.

The house is more beautiful than anything a couple of nebbishes like us deserve. It’s stately and classy and elegant; an extensive collection of sweatpants is exactly what it needs to round it out. Also, access to the upstairs balcony is through an oddly tiny door in the bathroom, of all places. This is called “charm”!

There is nothing we would change. We love everything about it, it is perfect. We may ditch the midget door.

Also, it’s in a great neighborhood– full of funky restaurants, bookstores and vintage shops ripe for the plundering. Down the street is the place where this happened, and there’s a pub around the corner that lets you play old school NES while waiting for your sammich.

Sadly, exploring and plundering are for people who haven’t just bought a building. The Gentleman Caller and I shall be limited to adventures of the domestic variety for a long, long while. Tales of Captain Netflix! Voyage of the H.M.S. Ramen! Masterpieces of the Great Paint Rollers of the 21st Century! We will be broke, that is what I am saying.

To donate furniture or Thin Mints to the Future Homeowners of the Republic, respond in the comments!


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5 Responses to The Housening

  1. Erica says:

    Nes Gadol Haya PO!!!

  2. Stacy says:

    *snort* “bank hole”
    Can’t wait to see the new place! Congrats!!!

  3. Jo says:

    hoooooooo ray! as always you make me laugh out loud. I heart you and am so so so happy for you two finally winning at houses.

  4. judy shapiro says:

    I will be by with Thin Mints (to further my research into the theory that, if you eat enough of them, they will make you thin!), AND Caramel Delites!! It’s gorgeous: enjoy!
    Love, Mom

  5. Adam Goldfarb says:

    Aside from lacking a picture of the midget door this makes me so happy!!!

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