The Great Vonderpiro Caper – Now in Italian! Chapter 12

Al Pal and I finally went on our honeymoon to Italy. What follows are actual notes taken on the trip, in actual note form. Enjoy!

Thursday, May 13th- In Bellagio

Real talk – this is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen. I’ll probably dream about gorgeous old villas and tiered lakeside gardens for years to come.

It’s also humid as all get out. I have crazy triangle hair and perma-red face and we’re climbing and climbing and CLIMBING to get to these rich peoples’ houses and sweating bullets by the time we make it to the top. The tourists are easy to spot because they’re the slippery ones.


Daily selfie fail.


I like turtles!


Me and random lady, Sound of Music edition.


Doing that lens flare we all like so much




Someone’s private waterfall.


Al Pal looking boss.

You may remember the particular gorgeous villa below from the most boring scene in the most boring Star Wars sixology, as well as a less boring (but still fairly boring) scene in Casino Royale. We forgave it because it was beautiful there.


Ask me about Casino Royale!


Ask me about Star Wars (the Shitty One)!


A Cardinal built this to sit and think about literature, but a businessman owns it now 😦


Al Pal, looking boss at the Star Wars Villa (name paraphrased)


Lookin good, Vonderpiro


Million dollar view (possibly low-balling that)


They have only two full time gardeners here.



Al Pal: one random white Russian while we wait for the ferry. I have tea, because still sick and it’s like 11am for godssake. Al Pal, in his own defense, “I was feeling it!”


This is Russian for Wodka.

Two Prosecco, one half liter red at lunch. Saw a guy taking his dog out for a canoe date like they were in a Jane Austen novel. Then the dog jumped out and pulled the boat to shore, no big deal. Step it up, Zelda. Watched a sea plane take off, so I can check that off my bucket list (I do not ever want to watch one land, oy vey).


Boat mounted umbrella for your doggie date.


Friends for life through thick and thin with another tale to spin

Back to the hotel to hang out in the Turkish bath and the infinity jacuzzi looking out over the lake and mountains. The lady in the spa recommended a cold shower before the Turkish bath (because humid) and when it turned on I screamed, which freaked the random guy in the sauna out pretty good. Other than that it was quite relaxing.

Dinner in town: three Prosecco, half liter red wine. Fried fish caught that day in the lake for me, and Al Pal the Explorer ordered something called (trigger warning!) “meat scallops.” First he said they were weird, then he said they were good, because drunk. This place also had the booziest dessert menu I’ve ever seen– a dubious honor.


In the unlikely event you’re not wasted already

Back to hotel for bottle Chianti classico (bought at the vineyard in Florence) in room– one last hurrah before we return across the pond. Many chats about life, the universe and everything. I stay far, far away from the jetted tub because fuck that thing.

Level of Booziness: Sentimental

Very Last Gelato:
Al Pal: chocolate and strawberry
Dena: pink grapefruit, green melon

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