The Great Vonderpiro Caper – Now in Italian! Chapter 13

Al Pal and I finally went on our honeymoon to Italy. What follows are actual notes taken on the trip, in actual note form. Enjoy!

Friday, May 15th- In Milan

Last day in Italy is first day with some rain, which feels like poetic justice. Lake Como is still gorgeous even in the rain, but Milan kind of looks like crap.

Relax for a while, drink bottle of Prosecco in room. Thanks hotel! Then dress up for the opera and one last fancy dinner. The bathroom there is made of marble and my risotto is sitting in a bowl made of parmesan cheese. Thanks, restaurant!

Three Prosecco, three red wine, all of the pasta.

And now to La Scala for Turandot, like the cultured folks we are. Incredible music, incredible vocals, incredible everything.


Yes that’s the stage, directly beneath us.


Like really lovely sardines.



It was one of those modern interpretations that Mama and Papa Shapiro get so cranky at the Gutherie for doing. This did not bode well for us as brand-spanking-new opera goers (why aren’t you catering directly to our needs, La Scala?).

People say you understand opera based on the emotion in their voices even though you can’t understand the words. This did not happen. Imagine watching The Fifth Element or Dune for the first time in Italian. It was bonkers.

Turandot: The classical opera with Guy Fawkes masks, clowns looking at porn magazines,  and laser hands!

Also, we apparently reserved seats in the “Victorian Era Humans” section instead of the “Leggy Brunettes” section. Huge mistake. Our knees were shredded by the end of the evening, but our ears were happy, and that’s a zero sum game which is math science. So, lesson learned– Europeans have tiny, stupid legs.


I feel ya, dude.

It was pouring rain when we came out, which we had to stand in while we waited (for a long ass time) for a taxi. A very nice man held his umbrella over me, because chivalry, but ignored Al Pal, because chivalry.

Burst into the hotel and yelled “IT’S WET OUT THERE!” to the front desk guys, who were like, “Yeah?” Ending our trip with a flair of drama, as ya do.

Level of Booziness: Fair!

Gelato:  Gelato is over now and our hearts are broken.

BONUS: The breakfast buffet made my life when they had an economy sized tub of Nutella with an enormous plastic serving spoon in it sitting front and center. And people wonder why Europe has a better quality of life.


Costco, you should be ashamed.

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